The Easter projects are still ongoing, long after Easter. The hall stand is still standing in the kitchen, waiting for a rub down and a final coat of paint. Then the hall will need some work before I move it into place. I am managing not to be a perfectionist about it - rough is okay, but not so rough that the wood catches my scarves or scratches my hands as I hang things up.
I'm still waiting for a date for my operation; I've just had a pre-op assessment and been told it could be another 6 weeks before I get a date, and in the meantime, I need to get my blood pressure under control. The lack of ability to plan ahead is stressing me out in a very big way, I hate having my blood pressure taken because it's invariably painful (the one done at the pre-op assessment has left bruises), and I'm having another flare of the osteoarthritis in my knees (since doing lots of work on the garden). No wonder my blood pressure is high!
For the past year, I have been trying to lose weight. I've exchanged various foods for low fat versions, stopped eating meat, reduced my intake of bread and dairy, hardly ever drink alcohol and do an average of half an hour exercise a day as a baseline. I have been trying to keep the calorie count to approx 1600-1800 calories a day. Then I found some NHS advice which said that 1400 cals should be the target. I've tried having a day or two a week where I only eat up to 1000 calories. What I've found is that my weight bounces up and down by three or four kilos over a number of weeks. The worst is when I do dance workshops. I'm wise to the 'compensation' effect of wanting to eat more when I've been doing exercise, so I try to drink more instead. I find I then am up by a couple of kilos. Even if this is only water, it then has to go. It feels rather like two steps forward, two steps back, as on balance (sorry, pun not intended), I'm not losing weight!
The trouble is, I love food and don't believe that denying yourself what you love is a good idea. So while I don't have crisps, cakes, biscuits or sweets in the house (except possibly at Christmas), I will still have a biscuit or two when I'm out. Surely a pudding once every couple of months should not be a problem? One of my danger areas is refueling the car, because it's too easy to pick up snacks and sweets at the same time. Last May, I had ballooned to my heaviest because, although I was dancing a lot, I was also doing a lot of driving around and I often picked up sandwiches, crisps and Maltesers as I filled up the car and whizzed off to my next appointment.
I know I'm an emotional eater, eating when I'm stressed, upset, worried, tired, lacking in energy, procrastinating .... My other danger area is portion size. In deliberately trying to lose weight, I feel as though I am denying myself and this is made worse when I see the size of some recommended servings (even in a small bowl, to try to trick myself with the resulting optical illusion that it's a bigger serving than it in fact is). I know that this sort of thing triggers me to binge. The usual advice to eat slowly so that the brain gets time to register and feedback that you are feeling full doesn't seem to work with me. I can graze all day. Similarly, the advice not to eat with the TV on, so that you can fully concentrate on and enjoy your food, doesn't always work for me. If it's just me, enjoying what I'm eating, I might carry on eating until there is nothing left. Watching the TV or working at the computer can be distracting enough sometimes that I don't even finish my food. When I'm happy and busy, I forget to eat, but then have to be careful not to skip meals and over-compensate later!
I like to cook from scratch with whatever I happen to have, and calorie counting for off-the-cuff recipes like this can be very time consuming. I guess this is why people go for slimming clubs and their products, like Weight Watchers. How much easier to go for a calorie-counted ready meal worth so many points, and feel as though you're treating yourself with another little branded item? The bread is thin-cut and mostly air, no taste, so ultimately dissatisfying, and no wonder it's lighter on the calories than an artisan loaf full of seeds. My experience of organised slimming groups was brief. I dislike the cost in money and the time needed, and having to sit and listen to the lectures and quizzes, and most of all dislike the competitive and judgemental nature of the weigh in. Everyone is doing it, so it masquerades as support, but I'm rather anti-competition. It might be different with a group of friends all doing it, and then the support is not really from the slimming group. The weight and inches coming off are positive outputs, but the inputs (food and drink) need to be viewed positively too, for the nutrition, seasonality, taste. If the key to long term weight loss is a change in eating habits, relationship to food, and lifestyle, then demonising food isn't going to help. And while there are people who aren't that bothered about food and are okay with meal replacement milk shakes for weeks on end, I know that I am not one of them.
Despite the frustrations, I have found the mechanism of checking into my diary, breaking down jobs and listing them, microbursting, crossing things off, getting SMARTer about setting objectives, all works well for me. I am achieving my resolution of doing more. This week, I am resetting my aims for the next three months. I wonder how things will look then?